I once had someone tell me that close friendships between men and women are not possible because someone will wind up with feelings for the other. Being a woman who spends half of her time with male friends I said, “No. A lot of my friends are guys.” “Most of them are probably in love with you,” was the response. 
My rebuttal was less than eloquent at the time, but I believe that person was wrong. This conversation did, however, spark my interest in the dynamics of cross-sex friendships, so I recently released a small survey on my personal Facebook page to see what people thought. I found that out of 52 respondents, 78 percent of the 33 women believe it is possible for cross-sex friendships to work, as do 95 percent of the 18 male respondents. Of those who opted “yes,” 57 percent of women cited different communication styles as being the worst aspect of these friendships, while 58 percent of males cited sexual tension. Respondents who opted “no” all cited sexual tension as the reason for that being the case. Though my pool was limited, the pattern is still consistent. Sexual tension is often perceived as a problem, if not an obstacle, in cross-sex friendships. This is clear in the way we speculate on members of the opposite sex who happen to be close, in the occasional awkwardness we have with friends of the opposite sex, or even on TV, where very few men and women are portrayed as having purely platonic friendships.
Good friendships with the opposite sex are; however, definitely possible. I can point to specific men in my life with whom I have close and beautiful friendships that have never been anything more. Why is it, then, that no matter what we say, there are still unspoken – or spoken – expectations and concerns within cross-sex friendships?
There is, first of all, a subtle belief that men and women can only share in a relationship through romance. Like I already mentioned, movies and TV shows are a good example of this. I don’t know if I could name more than five fictional cross-sex friendships that never culminated in sexual intimacy or romantic relationships. The problem is not just fictional. Among most, there is a culture of being on the prowl, or an unspoken understanding that single men and women are always seeking a potential partner. If we generally operate under this assumption, it’s to be expected that our friendships are going to be tainted by this, as will our outlook on other people’s relationships.
As a culture, we have also developed the belief that our drives and attractions must be acted upon, which is not the case. This behavior makes it impossible to sustain a friendship after having developed physical or emotional feelings for the other party, but it also makes for inconsistent relationships altogether. Attraction and friendship are not mutually exclusive. It is possible to sustain and platonic relationship that is mutually edifying, all the while being attracted to said friend, if the temporary pleasure of being with them would ultimately not be good for the relationship.
Ultimately, if we dig deep enough, it all boils down to one question: Is it possible to love someone without expecting something from them? We are generally used to measuring the utility of all. By doing so, when faced with a member of the sex we are attracted to, we don’t care about our own good or their good, or the potential for that friendship to flourish. We want to know how useful that relationship could be. If we could live gratuitously, without expecting romance or sex and being willing to sacrifice immediate pleasure for the good of another, we would have much more fulfilling friendships not only with the opposite sex, but with everyone we relate to.
Letizia Mariani can be reached at 8259@stthomas.edu