“Do you like my new shoes?” my lab partner had asked one day. I remember peeking under our lab table and seeing a pair of black and blue zebra print flats. “I’m not a huge fan; they’re not really my style,” I had responded.

It wasn’t until eighth period that day of high school that I found out my bio lab partner was convinced I strongly disliked her and had been expressing her concern to the entirety of my friend group. I had learned a lesson vital to high school: Nod, smile and keep your mouth shut when asked about another girl’s clothing.

I come from the generally blunt Italian culture where people are expected to speak their minds and not take disagreements personally. Even so, growing older in the States I have realized that we live in a society that tends to perceive disagreements as personal attacks. People seem to prefer the comfort found in lack of conflict over the ideas of truth and transparency. Hiding behind the excuse that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, we dismiss communication, reinforcing the idea of there being no room for discussion or change, as everyone’s opinions are their own and should remain as such. This attitude makes it difficult to connect with others, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle.

We have a difficult time separating criticism from attacks on one’s own nature; in other words, we confuse disagreements and criticism with ad hominems (attacks on one’s character, rather than one’s argument). In our minds those who disapprove of our shoes, our actions or our lifestyle must clearly be signifying their distaste for us. A silly concept, really, but one we become slaves to and which limits freedom in our relationships with others.

Still, how many times have we claimed to admire someone because they “say it how it is”? We find ourselves respecting and admiring those who speak their mind but are ultimately afraid of that. We’d almost rather stagnate in our swamp of moral relativism where no one needs to plague others with conflict than engage in a discussion and find out we may be wrong.

At the core of it all what dooms us is the tendency to see our value in what we own, do or believe, rather than rooted deeper in the simple fact that we exist. We think our worth rests in the sum of what we are able to accomplish and thus when criticized we feel our personal value — and consequently the essence of our person — being attacked. This is not only a suffocating way to live, but it leads to us looking at others in that negative way..

On the other hand, if we are to speak the truth, we have to learn to do so with love and respect. There is a difference between politely making sure we are heard and trumpeting our steamrolling criticism; aggressive ad hominem attacks do not pursue the truth but forcefully inflict themselves on others, and is nothing but name calling.

The balance then lies in recognizing the value of another as a human person, in spite of what they do. We will consequently learn that in order for true relationships to be established, they must be based on truth, and voicing the truth with no fear of conflict will strengthen those relationships and allow for more genuine interactions.

Letizia Mariani can be reached at mari8529@stthomas.edu.