About three weeks ago, I had a revelation that changed my life. In the checkout line at the local grocery store, after looking over at the magazine rack strategically placed by the register, I realized our country is now a divided one. America is being affected by a dualistic split, a crack in the nation.
The Brangelina breakup has caused thousands of Americans to take sides in this newfound war between two entities we were all counting on. I was shocked. I had been taking for granted the comfort of knowing that somewhere in Los Angeles, Brad was probably cooking a tasty dinner while Angie played with their perfect batch of children and the homely smell of Brad’s casserole filled the living room. It was all over. I could no longer seek refuge in knowing Jennifer Aniston was probably brooding over having missed her chance at a happy life with the perfect American husband. No more could I have sipped Barefoot Sweet Red Blend out of the bottle, resting my soul in the fact that Brad and Angie were probably enjoying the refined taste of their Chateau Miraval Rosé in their modest French vineyard.
I trembled at the thought of this life-changing piece of information going unnoticed. Thankfully, the most respectable magazines all displayed the devastating news on their respective covers, accompanied by pictures of the smiling couple, back when everything was as it should have been. I walked home in shock, with a deep emptiness looming in my chest. At home, everyone had heard the news. The nation was clearly in mourning. After the disastrous initial impact, I had to know more about what has caused the end of perfect peace, so I turned to the Internet for answers. I learned that Angie was seeking sole physical custody of their little bundles of joy and that actress Marion Cotillard had possibly been involved in a home-wrecking affair with Brad. Classic French.
The heavy piece of news settled in my heart, and I realized no one knows what they have until it’s gone. The peace of mind of a country united in their love for Brad and Angie had been underestimated until it all burst with a tumultuous bang. How were we to know that we would no longer see the pinnacles of perfection strut their expensive marriage at galas and award ceremonies? Does nothing ever last?
At that point, there was nothing left to do but be thankful for the people’s mindfulness in promptly sharing the vital bit of information that is Brangelina’s marital status. In a state of trauma and concern, then, I watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith, repulsed by the thought that, somewhere, Jennifer Aniston was probably celebrating the victory of karma over some of Brad and Angie’s award-winning Rosé.
Letizia Mariani can be reached at mari8259@stthomas.edu